[oh. is that the kind of person Shinji is to Kaworu? it's surprising to think that Kaworu might be in love with someone when he told Nageki not too long ago that those kinds of feelings were still confusing to him, but Nageki tries his best to stay neutral while Kaworu speaks. it's not at though such a thing would change how he feels about Kaworu, so it doesn't matter to him at all, surprising as it is.
Kaworu's question does catch him off guard, though, when he realizes he's hoping for an answer from Nageki. the idea of anyone ever being in love with him is purely laughable, and Nageki finds it almost as difficult to see himself in love with anyone despite the obvious futility those kinds of feelings would bring him. he really wouldn't know, if he was, nor would he know his feelings towards anyone in his living life -- Hitori, whoever they were, is the only exception.
was Nageki in love with that person? well, even if he was it doesn't really matter now. remembering it still won't bring back the person from his past.]
No. If I was ever in love with someone, I don't remember it. I only remember that I had someone very special to me... I can't say whether that means I was in love with them or not.
[no, he doesn't understand it... he was hoping that he could maybe hear Nageki's experience with it, but it's as he expected. Hearing him say he had someone special, but didn't know what kind of special... it makes him feel sympathy for him again.
his hand finishes again, and it returns to his lap.]
I suppose our feelings for those people are similar, then. Shinji-kun is very special to me.
[Nageki is fairly certain Shinji isn't the only person Kaworu gave a Valentine to, but Nageki feels like now probably isn't the time to bring that up. this sounds like a more special sort of Valentine, if Kaworu means to say he gave it to Shinji personally, so Nageki doesn't do anything more than nod to acknowledge Kaworu's words, trying to encourage him to continue without interrupting to speak. he's much better at doing this, he thinks... just listening to what his friends have to say, instead of talking about himself. there's not very much about himself to talk about, to begin with, and it never seems like anything worth mentioning.
but Kaworu is different from him, in a lot of ways. he reaches out to others, and he's understanding, and when he isn't he tries to learn so he can be -- even just how often he smiles sets them apart. he's a very admirable person, even if Nageki doesn't know how to express it in the right way other than doing the simplest thing he can think of; he doesn't say anything, waiting for Kaworu to keep going with his story.]
He didn't accept it. [As he says it, his voice is no different - it's still conversational, he still sounds happy.] Shinji-kun has a miserable, lonely heart... he believes no one could ever love him, so he ostracizes himself in order to keep from being hurt. I was glad to show him that love is there for him, if he decides to want it...
[which is all true... Kaworu doesn't really feel sad about being rejected. And at the same time, it gives him a feeling inside that he doesn't understand.]
He keeps teaching me new and amazing things about Lilim and myself.
[maybe Kaworu doesn't mean it to sound the way it does -- no, Nageki's pretty certain he doesn't realize -- but that description hits uncomfortably close to home. he knows what it's like to feel as though it's better, and safer, to run away from the affections of others so none of them can hurt you; even more, he feels as though he could give advice on the subject if they ever met, but Nageki doesn't know how welcome it would be. would he have listened to someone he didn't know back then? probably not, especially with something so personal...
it's a strange feeling, to be sure, wanting to help someone he doesn't know. maybe it's something Shinji will have to sort out on his own, the way Nageki did, by realizing that partaking in love is always a more wonderful feeling than being alone, even if it hurts you in the end. while he thinks over Kaworu words, Nageki grazes his fingers over the piano's keys, committing to memory the texture of them under his fingertips.]
I see. I'm sorry, Kaworu... reciprocation can be a very difficult subject to handle.
Edited (i forgot an entire word in the middle of his sentence) 2013-02-26 14:55 (UTC)
Reciprocation. [he seems to digest the word for a moment.] But, I do not have a particular desire for it. I am happy as it is, just feeling this way. If I can be here for him when he needs me, that alone brings me a kind of joy I never knew.
[something about the way Kaworu said that, though, suggests some kind of conflict is present - it sounded like he was trying to reason through something.
Kaworu's eyes are drawn to Nageki's hand, and he realizes he may be saying too much. He knows that he's delicate, similar to how Shinji is.]
That is the selfless kind of love of which few people are capable.
[Nageki doesn't have any pretenses about being that kind of person. he knows that he has probably always been selfish, in taking his own life and in other things, probably, even if he knows he would be glad to do it again as many times as he would need to if the act could bring joy to his friends. that includes Kaworu now, he thinks; Nageki would be happy to die again for him too, whether Kaworu would understand such a gesture or not. he may not think himself selfless, but at least Nageki would never allow selfishness to get in the way of his affection for his friends.
he can tell that Kaworu doesn't realize how admirable he really is, and it inclines him all the more to tell him. the thoughts stay stubbornly closed inside of his head, however, his attention taken by Kaworu's new train of thought. he shakes his head, his fingers stopping in their spot on the keys.]
I don't. There was little opportunity for exploring the world of instruments before I found myself here.
[he gave him a sweet smile, liking the idea of teaching Nageki how to play. Nageki says many things to him that he knows are intended to be compliments. Maybe it sounded like Kaworu's outlook was admirable, but he probably cannot love in any other way.]
I've been playing a lot since Shinji-kun came here. It focuses my mind and puts my core at ease. While I was growing up, I would play for those reasons, too.
[hesitantly, he pulls his hand away from the keys at Kaworu's question. is that something Nageki would like to learn? he enjoys music, and has learned that his voice doesn't seem to be terrible for it, but to transcend passive listening and become a musician himself -- it doesn't seem like something he would be very good at. there aren't many things he can do that he would consider a genuine skill, though...]
I think... that it would probably be a waste of your time.
What makes you say that? [He's unphased by his removal of his fingers from the piano.] Skill doesn't matter. It's worth doing for its own sake, to enrich your own life. Besides, it's all practice, anyway.
[Or at least Kaworu thinks so. It doesn't occur to him that Nageki might be able to sing instead. Smiling, he reaches down and takes his hands in his own, guiding them back up to the keys.]
Why don't you give it a try? To see if you want to learn. If you don't, that's fine.
[it surprises him that Kaworu takes his hands so casually, still finding himself caught off-guard by his friend's inclination towards physical contact no matter how many times it happens. it makes his nervousness a little more prominent as he stares at the piano, sure that his feelings of pressure are ridiculous even if he can't help them.]
[something about that question catches his attention. Nageki sounded nervous... although he often did. Kaworu doesn't mind nudging people out of their comfort zones - it's something that's been quite useful to him, in many ways. That's not it, not what's making him hesitate in answering or encouraging him further.
His smile fades a little as a hint of surprise flashes over his face. This is familiar... this is like the night of Valentine's Day. Sitting here, playing music. Enticing that adorable hesitation from the other person. Marveling at the strange mess of feelings these Lilim give him.
But it's not the same. This is Nageki-kun. He had come here on his own. He said he was worried about him.]
...
[his warmth has mostly faded into a calm, stoney mask now, smiling only with a sense of muted realization.]
[it would be impossible to miss the blatant transformation of emotions on Kaworu's face as his smile lessens, and for a moment, Nageki considers immediately forgetting his uncertainty and doing as Kaworu suggested, sure that he must have done something wrong. he thinks better of it a second later, however; Kaworu clearly wants him to enjoy this, rather than doing it out of a poor sense of obligation to him, and Nageki is hardly confident in his ability to pretend. it isn't that he doesn't enjoy the piano, it's just...
maybe it isn't for him, and maybe Kaworu can tell. is that really all that's bothering him, though? there's something else in his pause, and the mask on his face, that reminds Nageki a little too much of Kaworu's younger counterpart. there's definitely something else that Kaworu isn't telling him, and it's for no reason other than pure worry for his friend that Nageki finds himself wanting to know what it is.
after a small pause on his end of the conversation, Nageki tries his best to speak up.]
[Does he want to discuss it? For whatever reason Nageki came here because he was concerned about him. It's... really not something that someone has done before. Kaworu doesn't even know if something is really wrong. But he does see what he's doing right now with Nageki here.]
I think I may be projecting Shinji-kun onto you.
[Sighing, he looks upwards towards the crumbling ceiling.
why? he is happy with how that night turned out. he is quietly fascinated by the way it makes him feel. And the love he has for Nageki is distinct and unique. There's been nothing deficient about their time together so far today, either.]
...I'm sorry. This is new. I do not understand it.
[out of all the possible things Nageki could have predicated that Kaworu might say to him, what he does say is probably the very last of them. it surprises him so much that at first he doesn't quite register it, staring at Kaworu with blank confusion until finally, he understands what he means to say. that -- whoever Shinji is, Kaworu sees him in Nageki. really? why? is it that they're similar, or is it just that Kaworu is looking for someone who fulfills the same feelings...?
oh. but from what Nageki can gather, the kinds of feelings Kaworu has for Shinji aren't platonic ones. what is Kaworu trying to say? he wouldn't tell Nageki that if it didn't mean something, would he?
no matter what it is that it means, Nageki can't help going very red, quietly dropping his hands to his lap for lack of inspiration in what else to do with them now that the piano seems laughably unrelated to this topic. what is the appropriate thing to say in this situation? is there anything appropriate to say...?]
In -- In what way do you mean that, Kaworu? That you're projecting him onto me. I'm... I'm confused.
[Should he try to talk to Nageki about it? He doesn't even understand it himself.]
If a Lilim did such a thing to one of his friends... I would think it was an attempt to alleviate the pain in their heart caused by being rejected the way I was. But, with me, it's as I was telling you earlier. I am happy with the way things played out with him.
[he probably could have expected that response, at least, but all the same Nageki is a little discouraged to hear that even Kaworu doesn't understand what he's saying. this isn't something Nageki is used to dealing with; emotions and friendships are hard enough, but the idea that Kaworu is trying to convey something more makes all of his reasoning freeze in place. it's difficult to even think of what to say, let alone anything else.]
Just because you are happy with the results... that doesn't mean you can't wish that they had turned out differently.
[even if Nageki is at a loss with this situation, he can't help but feel sympathy for Kaworu. these are feelings Nageki said he would help Kaworu understand... but it isn't nearly as simple as that, as Nageki is starting to realize for himself, especially when they involve him. how is he supposed to help him in this situation when it could have such significant effects on their own relationship? does the thought of that scare him more than learning what Kaworu's feelings really are?]
[Hearing that, he doesn't answer. His eyes stay trained above, half-closed. The smile is gone now, replaced with thoughtful quiet.
Being happy with the results...
And wishing they had turned out differently at the same time.
That doesn't make any sense. But is that how he felt? There was no explanation for how he had just behaved, but he can't recognize that emotion. He doesn't understand it, or maybe he can't tell it's there.
Finally, he looked back to Nageki.]
How wonderful it is to be alive. I keep discovering new, incredible things.
[At least this time, Nageki knows better than to expect get a definite response back, so he's mostly calm now in nodding back. Kaworu is right, he thinks; even if Nageki has only lived on borrowed time, being alive even in the weakest sense of the word is an incredible experience. it's not something he could ever give away lightly, or decide to let go of -- when the time comes for that, hopefully it will be when he feels that he doesn't have anything left to do.
maybe helping Kaworu is one of those things. it would be nice to help him continue to discover what it means to be alive, or human, or both, so Nageki can't anticipate anything more. he's happy with this -- well, he's lucky enough to have this, a close friend that he can relate to, which is more than Nageki would have ever thought he deserved. if Kaworu wants to find someone to share more with, though... Nageki doesn't think it would be right to have that someone be him. that isn't something his borrowed time should allow for.]
You're right. Even if it has to be here, I'm happy to be able to have a chance to keep experiencing those new, incredible things.
[after a pause, he turns his head to look back at Kaworu, a small smile on his face. experiencing those things probably wouldn't be worth it to him if he were alone here, so he's grateful to have Kaworu -- even if he doesn't know how to say it.]
Edited (cant make up my mind on gay levels) 2013-02-28 13:59 (UTC)
[That tiny smile is such a reward. It coaxes a smile back out of Kaworu, and he leans closer to him until their shoulders touch.]
To think that you would finally smile at me, Nageki, while already being so kind. I'm very grateful to have you as a friend.
[he'd come here because he'd been worried about him... and then helped him discover a new mystery about himself. No, he's truly blessed to have met this gentle, caring dove. Kaworu doesn't feel any need for someone to watch over him, but - in a way, Nageki was doing that, and it's really a flattering favor to receive.]
I love you, too. You have so much empathy. Thank you for coming here today, for being concerned about my well-being.
[it really doesn't take very much to embarrass him, it seems. he's already begun to blush again as Kaworu leans into his shoulder, startled by the closeness, but to be complimented that way too -- he knows Kaworu means it, that he isn't only saying such things to flatter him. Nageki really doesn't deserve that kind of praise from much of anyone(especially Kaworu) but that doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate it greatly, as unneeded as it is...
must Kaworu always declare his affections that way? maybe he doesn't understand how it sounds, but to Nageki it's hard to tell himself an "I love you" phrased that way means anything else, and it makes his heart stutter all the same. it's ridiculous of him, of that much he's sure, but his own logical fallacies have never gotten in the way of him pursuing those poor ideas all the same.
it's hard to look Kaworu in the eye when he's being so open about his feelings, but he wouldn't want Kaworu to think him insincere, so he tries not to look away as he replies quietly.]
I came because you are my friend too, Kaworu. Any other would do the same, so it doesn't make me any more special.
Logic like that is irrelevant, even if it's true. It's you who did it, and that's what makes it meaningful to me.
[as he speaks, he reaches for one of Nageki's hands again and gives it a squeeze. Nageki gives this nebulous concept of "everyone else" far too much credit, while downplaying the things he does out of the goodness of his own heart. Beneath the surface of that humility is a self-aggrandizing attitude - the sort of thing that just makes Kaworu even more grateful and affectionate for him.
His face suddenly brightens, and he pulls his hand away just so he can place both on the piano keys.]
I'll play you a song, and then maybe we can walk back together. How does that sound?
[Nageki can't tell himself that he agrees with Kaworu, but he goes silent all the same, unwilling to argue -- especially if it will make him look as though he's unappreciative, or as though he doesn't want Kaworu to think he was doing it out of compassion. he's happy to be thanked, whether it's warranted or not.
he's a little relieved that Kaworu lets go of his hand again purely out of shyness, setting it back in his lap and watching Kaworu closely, glad that he looks so much less clouded than before. maybe he made the right decision in coming here, and even if it isn't anything special... being able to cheer his friend up is special enough to him.]
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Kaworu's question does catch him off guard, though, when he realizes he's hoping for an answer from Nageki. the idea of anyone ever being in love with him is purely laughable, and Nageki finds it almost as difficult to see himself in love with anyone despite the obvious futility those kinds of feelings would bring him. he really wouldn't know, if he was, nor would he know his feelings towards anyone in his living life -- Hitori, whoever they were, is the only exception.
was Nageki in love with that person? well, even if he was it doesn't really matter now. remembering it still won't bring back the person from his past.]
No. If I was ever in love with someone, I don't remember it. I only remember that I had someone very special to me... I can't say whether that means I was in love with them or not.
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his hand finishes again, and it returns to his lap.]
I suppose our feelings for those people are similar, then. Shinji-kun is very special to me.
[For a moment, he pauses, maybe hesitating.]
I gave him a valentine.
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but Kaworu is different from him, in a lot of ways. he reaches out to others, and he's understanding, and when he isn't he tries to learn so he can be -- even just how often he smiles sets them apart. he's a very admirable person, even if Nageki doesn't know how to express it in the right way other than doing the simplest thing he can think of; he doesn't say anything, waiting for Kaworu to keep going with his story.]
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[which is all true... Kaworu doesn't really feel sad about being rejected. And at the same time, it gives him a feeling inside that he doesn't understand.]
He keeps teaching me new and amazing things about Lilim and myself.
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it's a strange feeling, to be sure, wanting to help someone he doesn't know. maybe it's something Shinji will have to sort out on his own, the way Nageki did, by realizing that partaking in love is always a more wonderful feeling than being alone, even if it hurts you in the end. while he thinks over Kaworu words, Nageki grazes his fingers over the piano's keys, committing to memory the texture of them under his fingertips.]
I see. I'm sorry, Kaworu... reciprocation can be a very difficult subject to handle.
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[something about the way Kaworu said that, though, suggests some kind of conflict is present - it sounded like he was trying to reason through something.
Kaworu's eyes are drawn to Nageki's hand, and he realizes he may be saying too much. He knows that he's delicate, similar to how Shinji is.]
...Do you know how to play?
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[Nageki doesn't have any pretenses about being that kind of person. he knows that he has probably always been selfish, in taking his own life and in other things, probably, even if he knows he would be glad to do it again as many times as he would need to if the act could bring joy to his friends. that includes Kaworu now, he thinks; Nageki would be happy to die again for him too, whether Kaworu would understand such a gesture or not. he may not think himself selfless, but at least Nageki would never allow selfishness to get in the way of his affection for his friends.
he can tell that Kaworu doesn't realize how admirable he really is, and it inclines him all the more to tell him. the thoughts stay stubbornly closed inside of his head, however, his attention taken by Kaworu's new train of thought. he shakes his head, his fingers stopping in their spot on the keys.]
I don't. There was little opportunity for exploring the world of instruments before I found myself here.
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[he gave him a sweet smile, liking the idea of teaching Nageki how to play. Nageki says many things to him that he knows are intended to be compliments. Maybe it sounded like Kaworu's outlook was admirable, but he probably cannot love in any other way.]
I've been playing a lot since Shinji-kun came here. It focuses my mind and puts my core at ease. While I was growing up, I would play for those reasons, too.
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I think... that it would probably be a waste of your time.
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[Or at least Kaworu thinks so. It doesn't occur to him that Nageki might be able to sing instead. Smiling, he reaches down and takes his hands in his own, guiding them back up to the keys.]
Why don't you give it a try? To see if you want to learn. If you don't, that's fine.
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Are you -- are you sure about this, Kaworu?
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His smile fades a little as a hint of surprise flashes over his face. This is familiar... this is like the night of Valentine's Day. Sitting here, playing music. Enticing that adorable hesitation from the other person. Marveling at the strange mess of feelings these Lilim give him.
But it's not the same. This is Nageki-kun. He had come here on his own. He said he was worried about him.]
...
[his warmth has mostly faded into a calm, stoney mask now, smiling only with a sense of muted realization.]
Nageki-kun... no. It's fine, you don't have to.
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maybe it isn't for him, and maybe Kaworu can tell. is that really all that's bothering him, though? there's something else in his pause, and the mask on his face, that reminds Nageki a little too much of Kaworu's younger counterpart. there's definitely something else that Kaworu isn't telling him, and it's for no reason other than pure worry for his friend that Nageki finds himself wanting to know what it is.
after a small pause on his end of the conversation, Nageki tries his best to speak up.]
There's something else bothering you, Kaworu. Isn't there?
[is that too confrontational? trying to ease the possibility, he adds in a quieter tone,]
If you don't want to discuss it, that's fine. I'm just... concerned.
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I think I may be projecting Shinji-kun onto you.
[Sighing, he looks upwards towards the crumbling ceiling.
why? he is happy with how that night turned out. he is quietly fascinated by the way it makes him feel. And the love he has for Nageki is distinct and unique. There's been nothing deficient about their time together so far today, either.]
...I'm sorry. This is new. I do not understand it.
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oh. but from what Nageki can gather, the kinds of feelings Kaworu has for Shinji aren't platonic ones. what is Kaworu trying to say? he wouldn't tell Nageki that if it didn't mean something, would he?
no matter what it is that it means, Nageki can't help going very red, quietly dropping his hands to his lap for lack of inspiration in what else to do with them now that the piano seems laughably unrelated to this topic. what is the appropriate thing to say in this situation? is there anything appropriate to say...?]
In -- In what way do you mean that, Kaworu? That you're projecting him onto me. I'm... I'm confused.
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[Should he try to talk to Nageki about it? He doesn't even understand it himself.]
If a Lilim did such a thing to one of his friends... I would think it was an attempt to alleviate the pain in their heart caused by being rejected the way I was. But, with me, it's as I was telling you earlier. I am happy with the way things played out with him.
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Just because you are happy with the results... that doesn't mean you can't wish that they had turned out differently.
[even if Nageki is at a loss with this situation, he can't help but feel sympathy for Kaworu. these are feelings Nageki said he would help Kaworu understand... but it isn't nearly as simple as that, as Nageki is starting to realize for himself, especially when they involve him. how is he supposed to help him in this situation when it could have such significant effects on their own relationship? does the thought of that scare him more than learning what Kaworu's feelings really are?]
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Being happy with the results...
And wishing they had turned out differently at the same time.
That doesn't make any sense. But is that how he felt? There was no explanation for how he had just behaved, but he can't recognize that emotion. He doesn't understand it, or maybe he can't tell it's there.
Finally, he looked back to Nageki.]
How wonderful it is to be alive. I keep discovering new, incredible things.
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maybe helping Kaworu is one of those things. it would be nice to help him continue to discover what it means to be alive, or human, or both, so Nageki can't anticipate anything more. he's happy with this -- well, he's lucky enough to have this, a close friend that he can relate to, which is more than Nageki would have ever thought he deserved. if Kaworu wants to find someone to share more with, though... Nageki doesn't think it would be right to have that someone be him. that isn't something his borrowed time should allow for.]
You're right. Even if it has to be here, I'm happy to be able to have a chance to keep experiencing those new, incredible things.
[after a pause, he turns his head to look back at Kaworu, a small smile on his face. experiencing those things probably wouldn't be worth it to him if he were alone here, so he's grateful to have Kaworu -- even if he doesn't know how to say it.]
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To think that you would finally smile at me, Nageki, while already being so kind. I'm very grateful to have you as a friend.
[he'd come here because he'd been worried about him... and then helped him discover a new mystery about himself. No, he's truly blessed to have met this gentle, caring dove. Kaworu doesn't feel any need for someone to watch over him, but - in a way, Nageki was doing that, and it's really a flattering favor to receive.]
I love you, too. You have so much empathy. Thank you for coming here today, for being concerned about my well-being.
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must Kaworu always declare his affections that way? maybe he doesn't understand how it sounds, but to Nageki it's hard to tell himself an "I love you" phrased that way means anything else, and it makes his heart stutter all the same. it's ridiculous of him, of that much he's sure, but his own logical fallacies have never gotten in the way of him pursuing those poor ideas all the same.
it's hard to look Kaworu in the eye when he's being so open about his feelings, but he wouldn't want Kaworu to think him insincere, so he tries not to look away as he replies quietly.]
I came because you are my friend too, Kaworu. Any other would do the same, so it doesn't make me any more special.
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[as he speaks, he reaches for one of Nageki's hands again and gives it a squeeze. Nageki gives this nebulous concept of "everyone else" far too much credit, while downplaying the things he does out of the goodness of his own heart. Beneath the surface of that humility is a self-aggrandizing attitude - the sort of thing that just makes Kaworu even more grateful and affectionate for him.
His face suddenly brightens, and he pulls his hand away just so he can place both on the piano keys.]
I'll play you a song, and then maybe we can walk back together. How does that sound?
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he's a little relieved that Kaworu lets go of his hand again purely out of shyness, setting it back in his lap and watching Kaworu closely, glad that he looks so much less clouded than before. maybe he made the right decision in coming here, and even if it isn't anything special... being able to cheer his friend up is special enough to him.]
Alright.